How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Here you can post stuff that is not related to Christopher Ward
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jaydog
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How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by jaydog »

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished locals and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my tackle unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a Blonde woman timidly spoke up.

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit ME on the head so hard with the bottle....'
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by President »

Yeah baby! :lol:
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

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A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.

As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan

"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"

"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"

"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"

"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.

To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by President »

That was teh funneh. Shame about the bold though.
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

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I had a car accident yesterday afternoon!! It was the last thing I needed, he just camefrom nowhere and I went right up the back of him. I got out my car and went up to him to exchange details and as he got out, I saw he was a dwarf. He came up to me and said i'm not happy ! So I said, well which one are you then?


No bold, is that better
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by President »

Yes.
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said 'Things are Great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, 'If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied, 'My point exactly'.
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by President »

Naughty! :lol:
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

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Girl takes a dress into the dry cleaners and the girl ask's for it to be cleaned. The assistant is a little deaf and says "come again?" the girl blushes and replies "no its yogurt this time!"
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by President »

Terrible! :lol:
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by jaydog »

3 things not to say in a gay bar

1, f*@k me,its hot in here

2, bugger me this beers good

3, do u mind if i push ur stool in a bit
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by President »

:lol:
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, and God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Hey, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by President »

Very good. :lol:
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Re: How about a jokes page, I'll start!

Post by Hans »

jaydog wrote:Girl takes a dress into the dry cleaners and the girl ask's for it to be cleaned. The assistant is a little deaf and says "come again?" the girl blushes and replies "no its yogurt this time!"
:lol:
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